Elections in Malaysia?

Yup, it's confirmed. 8th March. Lotsa things are on the roll and campaigning will be heating up by next week in Malaysia.

This posting may be my last posting on this blog. Having posted here, somewhat irregularly in the recent year, on different topics and issues that had crossed my path, and whose developments had influenced me in some ways, my life had been going through much changes, for better and worse. I am entering a new period of my life, and this period will see more and more changes. I am now in the midst of preparing for something that will be a turning point of my life, whatever the outcome. I am still in the midst of house-keeping, clearing out old things and preparing for better times ahead. This house-cleaning includes things physical and intangible.

Not everything can be easily resolved, and some things may remain a little complicated for awhile. Nonetheless, things will be different from today.

I do hope to start a blog somewhere else, for a new life and new beginning, blogging on issues that are different, yet in some ways, similar to my passions and interest. Somehow, this blog that had been my home for so many years is no longer a place I feel comfortable with. It holds with it many memories of events that had taken place in the last 5 years of my life. As I begin life afresh, I have to lay to rest the past.

For those who had gotten to know me through this blog, I thank you for having come here. The past year had been filled with either silence or rantings of sort. While I use time as an excuse to not to post, it is also somewhat related to this lack of comfort.

I will begin a new blog, somewhere else, under a different name, when I'm more settled into the groove of things. I have no idea where I'll be headed in the next few months, but rest assure, when I can find an anchor somewhere, I will come back with full-force, and return to regular blogging life. If you do find me at that time, may we meet again. It would be serendipity bringing us back together then, as well as the circle of fate.

Adieu

How would you like to be remembered in death?

I've said I would be blogging about my holiday since 31 December last year, and now it's the 1 Feb. I still intend to do it, but that would have to wait for during the Chinese New Year holiday.

I've made a new year resolution for myself to not allow myself to dwell in the insecurity, issues and past grudges. This year (I've decided to consider it an old year based on the Chinese calender), I've witness too many deaths; one of a brother of a good friend, the other is a man whom I've met once perhaps four years ago and knew by his reputation; my pet guinea pig and my aunt's dog. One death was a freak accident whereas three deaths were due to failure of vital organs.

This got me thinking. Last year, I've spent much time in depressing because I over-committed myself to too much work responsibility while failing to fortify myself financially (through the grace of a Higher Being, this was recently rectified) while having to work through tremendous amount of personal issues (it's like facing up to every weak point about yourself at one go, which was overwhelming). I hardly had time for myself to really savour the joy of being alive. If I wasn't battling issues on the personal front, I was having work battles. At the same time, I was also trying to squeeze in time to work on certain applications and longer term plans, which only became clearer early in 2008. Before that, I was drowned in too many things and adjusting myself to too many new things to be able to see beyond my puny nose.

But the signs are clear, through one incident after another. Life must be led to the full and it must be led with happiness and love. It must be one where I can be happy and contented working towards my dream, while not forgetting to continue living.

It is time when I must start reconnecting with old friends, make new friends and start to participate again in activities that I enjoy. At the same time, I should move away from doing too much time-consuming short-term projects which may make me money for now but does not guarantee me satisfaction or happiness. Taking a pay cut, saving up, and tightening the belt in some areas while enjoying one's life is the key. I have had this before in my younger days. I was much poorer, had to really watch my spending and could not do many fancy things (or go to fancy places). Yet, I was much happier and creative in getting what I needed with the limited budget I had. More importantly, I had a great time doing what I loved without being too stressed out over money-earning job, the way I am today. I had better relationships with people (despite my personal short-comings), was less bitchy and certainly more fulfilled. More importantly, I could keep my idealism and my dreams intact because I was not stuck in the grind and mill. I did not allow my own choices or anyone to screw me over, or upset me for more than a few hours at the most.

It is time to return to that time, but with greater maturity and understanding. To be more patient and more savvy in my communication with others (personal and professional). To be able to free up space to start reading and writing things the way I like to do.

Life is too short. People younger and slightly older than me are dying like flies. While there is breath in me, I must strive to experience the best that the world has to offer me, and feel happy even as I face life's challenges.

There are still certain things which requires a lot of thinking and sorting through, but as I begin uncluttering my life, I may be moving closer to my answer than I think.


There is no time for wallowing in the past, even when life throws you a steep curve ball.

How would I want to be remembered when I die? Not for what I am today, but for the better person I will become.

Day of judgment

I haven't had much time to write here lately, despite my new year resolution, due to the amount of writing which I have to do for work (and of course, a lot of number crunching).
I haven't had time to read much either, except this art book which I have bought years ago as a student, but never had time to read until last week. I will talk more about that in a later post.

Today, I want to write about something which had been bothering me for some time. About religion, hypocrisy and acceptable behaviour.

You know what I mean. That feeling that you cannot be yourself for fear of repercussions. The feeling that you are exposed to judgment from those who professes the same faith (for some, it is a faith forced upon them rather than one sincerely embraced), the need to keep up a particular image or appearance and the strong desire to do something that is considered against societal norms, the need to hide that behind a facade and to do that which is acceptable to the majority.

Sometimes, this need to be accceptable may force one to live in denial. It also causes you to build barriers and bigotry around yourselves.

When others confront you with this issue, you explode in anger and deny that this is you.

Sometimes, for many, it is easier to maintain a facade than to rock the boat, especially when rocking the boat may mean social sanction, and worse, death.

Ah, life is an uphill political battle and power struggle!

Clearing up the clutter

Sometimes, you just want to try something different with your life. But you realize that you need to clear up the clutter of previous life in order for you to move forward unhindered.

This is exactly where I am at. Last weekend, I had spent quite a bit of time clearing up the mess I call my room, throwing out things I could not bear to throw away in the past few years, rearranging the furniture (not exactly very conveniently placed at the moment, since the room will be going through renovation) and fixing things I had accidentally destroyed due to my bumbling ways.

This weekend is spent on some last minute work. So, further makeover have to be held up til the following week.

Anyway, it's running late now. So adios for now.

A world of its own

I got back from a great vacation in Bali last Saturday, which was more relaxing rather than active. It was unfortunate also that I fell sick for half of the time I was there, but nonetheless, it was a good place to recover my health. The day breaks early and the night falls quickly. Anyhow, combination of sleep deprivation during the travel period and the need for my body to recuperate saw me fast asleep for 14 hours on Saturday by 7 pm until the following day. Sunday was when I had to catch up on some old job and today is when I have to commence by current 'day' job.

Anyway, now that I am back, I have loads of work to catch up on. I will blog more about my trip later in the evening.

Happy New Year!

It is just a week and a half to Christmas

And so little time, and so much to do. Keeping busy is good. Keeps one in perspective. Keeps on the positive vibe coming in, however downtrodden and battle-weary one might be at times.

And the great part is, I am beginning to read poetry again. I find myself in kindred spirit with poets at the moment. Great poets illustrate life's potholes and murkiness without that maudlin sensitivities.

I am beginning with Philip Larkin. Since I am going for a vacation in Christmas, I will be bringing with me some good, life-changing reading materials. An Indonesian and French poet or two might not be a bad idea, though I don't feel like lugging dictionaries around (and am too poor to afford the electronic version at the moment).

Too bad I couldn't go to the Ubud Literary festival but I still get to go to Ubud.

Sometimes, it is good to give up something for awhile...

You are over obsessed with something and you want to find a quick resolution. How do I do that?

Sometimes, it is good to take a measured step back, and don't do anything about it (while learning not to over-procrastinate on that all too important decision) and see how things work out. Many a times, it is good to go back to the drawing board and see how it can be improved. If it cannot be improved further, and if it still doesn't work, then cut your losses and move on. Try something else. After all, genius is 99% perspiration (tears and blood). If you want an easy life, don't do anything remotely challenging, one that opens you to risks of failure and heartache.

Personally, there are times whereby I am tired of change. I am scared of it, particularly when I have no idea if I am going to fall into that big black hole and never come out again. I worry about my inability to take chances, or my ability to take the wrong risks, succumbing to further successions of failures. I worry that I will never find something to keep me happy and contented.

When I made a decision to change the direction of my life, five years ago, I took a chance at something risky. Really risky, with a strong chance of failure. Even my parents asked me if I wanted to do it. I said I did, impetuous lil naive me. At the same time, I was trying to look for other ways out, but not quite succeeding. While I might not be great in what I did before, I could still somehow survive it, intact. However difficult the task I was set to do back then, it was never as difficult as having to deal with a lot of the issues I had to deal with in the last five years. What if I want to go back to it now. Would I want to go back to it, to the way I used to like it? Or can I return to it, but in a modified form, using some of the skills I had obtained through much sweat and tears in the last five years. I do know, deep down in my heart, it was my first love, and I have a certain aptitude for it, a certain creativity even if technically, I was not strong.

Moreover, in the five years, I have given up the solace of religion, making an almost complete break but with still a tiny thread of unsevered umbilical cord that attaches me to it. While I still believe in its principles, my questioning of things that led to no answers had left me on a perpetual cliffhanger. In fact, much of what characterizes my life this year is the epitome of a cliffhanger. I am finding some time again to start re-examining my ideas and ideals and where I might have gone astray, reading and learning as much as I could.

So now, it remains to be seen how I can marry my strengths to this. I've learned more about my limitations in recent years, but at the same time, I have greater clarity over where my strength lies, and which areas I know for certain I can and will shine in.

I still have some unfinished business, which I hope to soon see the end of by the end of this year, even if I have to work overtime at it. I want to start the new year on a nice, good clean slate. With new ideas and directions, and work cut out for me to move towards it. This time, with greater certainty and understanding. Lessons I've learned this year had opened doors to me to experiences that I would never had, if I had never taken this step, however fraught with thorns it had been. Now it's a matter of sitting back and shaping them, and looking for ways to channel them, constructively. And to excel at it.

Am I a rough diamond? Yes, I am just mined from Earth's underbelly.

research and the story of my life

Most people fail to appreciate how difficult and how many hours are required merely to dig up a lot of information that one needs to write about something, particularly when that thing is either out of your reach (highly expensive subscription database that would be hard on an individual's pocket, particularly an individual unaffiliated to any institution and is from a country with a relatively 'small' currency) and who is unfamiliar with the subject. Maybe that's why I've to really decide. If I really want to work with ideas, what kind of ideas do I want to work with? Who do I want to work with? And what kind of work do I want to do? Why do I want to do it?

It's no fun being jill-of-all-trades researcher. Firstly, you are bound to have to do something you have little interest in yet have to spend hours unearthing (made possibly frustrating when you don't know where's the best place to start). I do enjoy doing research, but mainly in areas of interest to me. And I am interested in working with ideas. So where should I be? In the academia? Anywhere else? Perhaps start my own enterprise?

Trying out a test for a research-related job application really got me thinking: do I really want to do this kind of stuff for the rest of my working days, yet not quite getting anywhere, as in getting into something that makes my going to work something of a bang (despite the unavoidable down days that had less to do with job frustration but more to do with unavoidable or unpredictable circumstances) instead a bummer. Life is too short to do just things for money while being miserable throughout your youth. However, not having enough money can also do that for you. So where can I be where I can have enough without the financial struggle while doing something that holds a meaning bigger than a 'job.' How do I seek an opportunity to do that? Well, that's where research as a skill comes in. While skills in commercial research pays well and can have a good demand once one becomes a pro at it, it does not have the same meaning as when one is demand for being good at something that fulfills.

So, it is certainly time for me, by early next year, to begin preparing myself for the one that will define my career goals, and to persevere by it despite the immense difficulties I might fall into, because the goal and objective is now clear. Should I not succeed by that, at least I will still have the skills that could be used elsewhere. Rather than always trying to have my feet in two boats and being all tensed, anxious and stressed out because of that. This might mean taking a pay-cut and a job that has little recognition in society, but I think that would pay out in the end. After all, I've tried a different and more 'sensible' way forward, trying to give up on my dreams for awhile and that had come close to disaster a few times. So I do know now, that by a strange quirk of personality, I am not someone who can take on a job with heavy responsibilities and which requires a high level of performance if I am not personally engaged by it.

Thinking (un)linearly

I think I once wrote about thinking in a straight line. Writing in a linear way while being clear is an ordinary skill. Writing non-linearly yet sounding logical and clear is an art. Not many postmodern theorists can be said to have succeeded in doing that.

How does one succeed in the latter? Should we take our cue from John Donne, the sixteenth century poet and sermonist who is a pro in the art of rhetoric, and a master of making sense while arguing in circles and repeating sentences twice, first in Latin and then in English.

I've been writing a proposal and a personal statement in the last few days, while also reading a modern European thinker who is none too linear in his thinking. But its a translated work, I am not sure who's the one who had not quite mastered the art of clarity. Nonetheless, the ideas proposed are no walk in a park.

I am a mistress (this sounds demeaning) of non-sequiturs.

Ever seen a fish, swimming leisurely in a tank behind you, jumping out of the water in a shock just as you were bending backwards and stretching out your hands to loosen those knotted muscles? Well that just happened to me two days ago. That fish sits behind the sofa in my friends' living room. They've kept it for a year. It's gone much bigger

I've been thinking about how much I know or do not know, and realized how shallow my knowledge really is. So much that I've read I did not quite understand, nor did I quite know.
So what should I do to remedy that? Spend less time writing and more time reading? Spend more time thinking so that the ideas will sink in? This fast-pace world does not value the person with idle time.

Today, I went to a library and saw a Malaysian history comic book called "Where the Monsoon Meet: the Malaysian people's history." It's published by some small NGO. Anyone who'd like refresher course in Malaysian history would do well to get a copy of it.

I actually meant to write something that makes some sense. I have so much ideas earlier today, but no means and time to put them down. Now I am too tired. Goodnight

Is change in the offing in Malaysia

I can't quite tell. The last few weeks had been a hectic but rather exciting time in Malaysia. First, the BERSIH rally that called for a clean and transparent electoral process in view of the soon-to-come General Elections which is expected early next year, and then the HINDRAF event where thousands of Indians had a rally to state their support for the lawsuit against the British Government. News were heard and seen from all sides of the media. With regard to the HINDRAF event, I already knew about it weeks in advance because a friend had shown me an sms he received calling for all Indians to show their support for this lawsuit and the rally.

I am rather busy working on something, but rest assure that I will be keeping my eyes peeled on all the goings on. And I have a gut feeling that the coming GE will be really exciting. However, I believe change is only possible if people are really angry enough to want that. What do the grassroots really think or feel?

Busy times ahead

Now is time to look into the overdue proposals and the kind of work which I had been longing to do for such a long time. I supposed being unemployed has its perks, even though it does also mean, living a poor student life. But at least I've recovered more or less from a highly stressful period.

Will be back with more post later. Currently at the library, reading Mario Perniola "the sex appeal of the inorganic."

Astrological prediction

This came by way of my email just because I decided to sign up for its newsletter, one smoggy evening.

Coincidental or what? Been having lots of shocks and surprises of late. Ok maybe not that many, but I am sure there will be more to come.

__________________________________________________________________

Shocks and surprises are suddenly the rule rather than the exception. Uranus at 15 degrees Pisces ends its five-month retrograde cycle at 2:16AM PST and begins direct motion until June 26, 2008 when it will once again stop at 23 degrees of Pisces. All Uranus themes - revolution and radical change, eccentricity and improvisation, lightning-like flashes and genius, shock waves, topsy-turvy conditions, aviation, the multi-media, computers and high technology, astrology and occult science, electricity, the nervous system, instability and uncertainty, rebellion, radioactivity and Uranium - are activated today and over the next couple of days. Your best bet is to expect the unexpected throughout the day. Be aware that the Moon enters Gemini (3:30AM PST) after a long void lunar cycle. The lunar entry into the third sign of the zodiac is followed by a Full Moon (6:31AM PST) that energizes 2 degrees of Sagittarius and Gemini. This is the climax of the monthly solar-lunar cycle and represents a unique opportunity to receive divine illumination. Meditate for peace of mind and send out your healing thoughts to humanity in need of upliftment. Think more about your higher destiny on Planet Earth than fulfilling personal needs. Brace yourself for a time-period of potential chaos and confusion since a Sun-Vesta frictional 45-degree link (9:47AM PST) occurs only 4 minutes before Mercury in Scorpio squares Neptune in Aquarius (9:51AM PST). Ouch! These two testy alignments can send you to the back of the class if you jump to conclusions without all the facts. Realize that your judgment could be faulty and it may be helpful to back off from financial commitments that will strain your budget. Reading, writing and research are promoted this evening when Mercury makes a mentally-stimulating 72-degree tie to Saturn (7:11PM PST) while the Sun squares Pallas (8:38PM PST).

A new start

It has been a long year for me. I have learned more about myself in this 11 months than I had in the past year. At the same time, I have learned more about myself in the last 4 years than I had for many years before that. I am closer to knowing my interest, my capabilities, my weaknesses, my strengths . I have also come to understand people more than before. Sometimes I am slow, sometimes I am quick. But I am now going to begin a new chapter in my life. Starting something new is always the hardest. There is a sense of bereavement for things past and gone. For things that could have been, but did not happen. I will update my blog more regularly and start writing here about things of interest to me. I have learned a lot in the past year and am ready to put that knowledge to good use. I am older and wiser, yet have so much more to learn.

Belated Happy Thanksgiving. I should start thanking the One up that for all the good that I have had, even though I did not quite see it that way at first. I believe that it is the start of better things to come, and I can now move on, learn from past mistakes, yet put the past firmly behind me. Difficult yet worthwhile. Advice from different people echoes in my mind, and I will keep those advice as a firm and constant reminder.

I will now move towards doing things that make me happy, make the world better, and make me a better person than I am now.

XXX
Clarissa

Really Writingy

You know, I've really not been doing any real writing in a long while. I mean as in writing for pleasure, for myself, creatively and to channel my thoughts and analysis through think pieces.

I've been lying low for a long while, away from the creative constellation of the city I am living in. Teaching takes up too much time, as do a sundry of other projects.


My resolution beginning this week, meaning from Wed on, is to read a chapter of a novel a day or a poem or two. After all, as a freelancer, I am a master of my time so should stop complaining about being too busy. Started a little on Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons but never completed it as I got distracted with reading other stuff. Mostly academic stuff or political stuff.

Now I need to grow my creative vibes

Hell, I'm growing older, so if there's no time now, there never will be

So from tomorrow onwards, I'll try to post, as regularly as I can, what I'm reading for the moment, and my thoughts on what I read

And if you haven't watched this movie Goya's Ghosts, I suggest doing so now. Sterling performances and the unfiltered history of Europe, filth and all.

And of course, there's Goya, that schizophrenic painter of realism (even though he wasn't from the school of realist painters, as his paintings were more in the fashion of the old masters such as Leonardo, Raphael, and some Dutch artists)

Situation in Burma remains dire

Protests around the world may only make the Burmese military junta aware that they are being watched, but as long as their two closest ally in the world, especially China, remain silent on this issue and continue diplomatic ties with the Burmese junta, status quo may prevail.

Maybe what we need is a group of all-star, politically conscious athletes that would pressure their government to boycott the Chinese Olympic games. This might make China pay attention.

China itself is as bad as Burma, if not worse, in its human rights violation record. And since it's a communist state, there is no religious reservation to hold it back.

To get more updates on Burma, tune in to the BBC.

Stating my support for the Burmese people

Due to extreme fatigue yesterday, I was not able to drag myself to KLCC for the mass protest. But what I want to state here is that I have burned incense in show of my support for the amelioration of the plight of the Burmese, who are merely two neighbourhoods away from Malaysia. And I am openly stating in this site that I believe that justice has to prevail for these people

A thought for the day

Yesterday, I found myself barely working. Or working slowly, taking the time to digest through all that I have to do as I go through the comments of the first draft of my manuscript, and restructuring the way the narrative is being handled. It's a really painstaking process but well worth the effort as it will keep me from repeating the mistakes of the first draft. The story telling part is simple, just my knack for complicating things. I think I should get the structure out by the end of the week. Have French exams this Thurs, and then a teaching job to go to on Friday, but otherwise, I have freed myself from other stuff to concentrate on the manuscript.

I told myself that I will do the best that I can for this new year, never taking anything or anyone for granted and always putting my best foot forward. I also told myself to be more forgiving of the folly of others and to be more circumspect in my dealing with people. Much that has happened this year included my getting to know the not-so-good side of the people whom I thought I could trust, as well as lots of misunderstanding.
People have many faces, and you never get to see all the faces until you step on their toe, or on their turf. Or when shit hits the fan.

It is early in the morning, so I think I'll wrap up my work for this evening. Had my laptop on working mode since evening, working everywhere, from my room to my friend's room to the living room.

So I think it's time to sleep and have an early start. I am beginning to feel more optimistic about this project that I am doing now that I am structuring it out carefully.

It's October now so no more time to waste.

bon nuit

A new year for myself

As I am writing this in the wee hours of Monday morning, Oct 1, Saturday Sept 29 saw the close of a long drawn-out year for me, one riddled with confusion, chaos, altercations and negative vibes. Everything felt wrong on that day, and only came out right in the evening. It felt like an extended session on a therapist couch.

But I went to this little shop in town that sells Tibetan arts and crafts, and bought myself some incense sticks and a mantra card. The day after was supposed to be my b-day, and it was time to throw out all that is bad, to cleanse the inner energy and begin life a new. Whatever problems that follows me into this new year are to be tackled with renewed zest and and a positive outlook. Better discipline shall shape my life, as I would also now begin to draw boundaries between my professional life and personal life, knowing when to start my day and when to end it, but being flexible enough to enjoy the perks of a freelancer, which is the choice to plan my day and attend events, should I decide to do so. It is because of that that I am still awake at 1:44 am, when I would be asleep if I had a job to go to in the morning.

What I need to do in this new year is to have a better understanding of myself and of the other people, doing that which is right and doable. I will also start having a proper schedule for my work and my other activities, and thus have more time for my personal interests, as well as for friends and loved ones. I need to learn to manage stress better, to not get upset too easily about things and find greater equilibrium between the personal, the professional and other interests.

More importantly, I should start updating this blog more regularly. I have neglected it for so long as I had allowed my life to spiral out of control. I will use this blog as a way of getting a better grip of things, and to begin voicing my opinions on matters of interest to me, as well as chronicling my daily activities. A way to take stock of myself, to go for what I want while knowing my limitations and knowing when to let go.

As for this week, I have a manuscript to revise and research, and French test to study for. And some readings to do.

Bon nuit!

Twisted

I often wonder why I can't make myself enjoy the simpler things in life:
1) friendships
2) warmth
3) kindnesss
4) love

and why do i choose to complicate it with so many things.

The life I wished for in childhood is not here yet.

I remember reading stories with longing for that close-knitted friendships shared by others which I always seem to have problems obtaining

And being told that one lacks the warmth of a woman doesn't help matters either, whatever that means

I am supposed to be working now, and I will return to that soon

I am restless, I am bored, I feel suffocated, I need to move on

I can't seem to enjoy life the way normal people can

Is something the matter with me?

Education

I am thinking of going back to education...as a student.

I have been teaching for the past semester and a half, it will be coming to an end soon, as will another project I am working on, once I can get enough information to work on for the latter.

IN fact, I am in the process of registering as a student, ironically spurred by the thought that this will allow me to find some funding for my research and thus rid myself the further need to have to juggle work and scholarly research at the same time (the former had been the bane of the latter).

I was really 'brain-drained' (no relation to the actual brain drain problem my country is facing) the past two days, I think due to my inability to sleep long enough before waking up and the waking hours spent on squeezing my brain muscles (not that there is much effort needed in the process) on a myriad of things.

I am not too happy with the way things are going at the moment but I hope for improvement.
Too busy to think about how to sort everything out. I think that I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew, literally and figuratively.

Here I am, sitting in front of my notebook blogging when I have other things commanding my attention.

bugger
Clarissa