Today is a slow day, and the Internet kept going up and down. I just lost a big chunk of what I had written here when I hit the back button. Drat.
I spent most of the time indoor, with the exception of dinner time, when I went out to have a meal of banana leaf rice. In between falling asleep and reading up theoretical works for my thesis, I was catching up on some short stories by a group of American writers. I suggest to everyone who have not, to get a copy of The Oxford Book of American Short Stories edited by Joyce Carol Oates. There, you get to see the various styles of the best of American writers for the last two hundred years. What made them all fantastic were the gripping, beautiful, evocative and imaginative use of words. The most banal becomes sublime.
For a long time, I live half my life imaginatively, within the land of fantasy. Should reality threaten to upheave, the fertility of my thoughts would go into hibernation mode. I remembered, a few years ago, when attempting to study for my Calculus III finales, I found myself building an entire novel in my mind, using conversations and descriptions and vivid images, so much so that I hardly new what of the squiggles on the white sheets had entered into my subconscious. What was worse, I have not even studied much in way of Calculus III prior to that night, and finals was tomorrow. Maybe something did get into my mind, as I managed a C+. That was when I realised that I was not meant to be a mathematician.
AS a physics major, I had to spend a lot of time reading about every aspects of physics. But, I spent even more time reading every aspect of other things, from feminist theories to literature. It seems that I spent most of my hols reading everything, including Literature, except physics. And I love Literature to death, so much so that I did electives in it. I read politics, psychology and other humanity fields, but Literature was always an area that excited me most. Perhaps, I unconsciously realised that I was never going to be a professional physicist. Nor did I think my grades would make me a good one anyway. Maybe that's why I am doing Literature now. Now and then, I still wistfully think about physics.
This is like choosing between two persons, two that you love. You are in love forever and a day with the first person, feeling secure and whole in him or her. Suddenly, someone comes a long and you find your life going into turmoil. Passion ignited and your heart ache. A feeling is kindled that you have not felt before, or have not felt in a long time, or had not felt as strongly. What do you do then? But, you aren't sure if this is a passing fancy, a probably infatuation, or lasting love.
You are not certain...
