Sometimes, it is good to give up something for awhile...

You are over obsessed with something and you want to find a quick resolution. How do I do that?

Sometimes, it is good to take a measured step back, and don't do anything about it (while learning not to over-procrastinate on that all too important decision) and see how things work out. Many a times, it is good to go back to the drawing board and see how it can be improved. If it cannot be improved further, and if it still doesn't work, then cut your losses and move on. Try something else. After all, genius is 99% perspiration (tears and blood). If you want an easy life, don't do anything remotely challenging, one that opens you to risks of failure and heartache.

Personally, there are times whereby I am tired of change. I am scared of it, particularly when I have no idea if I am going to fall into that big black hole and never come out again. I worry about my inability to take chances, or my ability to take the wrong risks, succumbing to further successions of failures. I worry that I will never find something to keep me happy and contented.

When I made a decision to change the direction of my life, five years ago, I took a chance at something risky. Really risky, with a strong chance of failure. Even my parents asked me if I wanted to do it. I said I did, impetuous lil naive me. At the same time, I was trying to look for other ways out, but not quite succeeding. While I might not be great in what I did before, I could still somehow survive it, intact. However difficult the task I was set to do back then, it was never as difficult as having to deal with a lot of the issues I had to deal with in the last five years. What if I want to go back to it now. Would I want to go back to it, to the way I used to like it? Or can I return to it, but in a modified form, using some of the skills I had obtained through much sweat and tears in the last five years. I do know, deep down in my heart, it was my first love, and I have a certain aptitude for it, a certain creativity even if technically, I was not strong.

Moreover, in the five years, I have given up the solace of religion, making an almost complete break but with still a tiny thread of unsevered umbilical cord that attaches me to it. While I still believe in its principles, my questioning of things that led to no answers had left me on a perpetual cliffhanger. In fact, much of what characterizes my life this year is the epitome of a cliffhanger. I am finding some time again to start re-examining my ideas and ideals and where I might have gone astray, reading and learning as much as I could.

So now, it remains to be seen how I can marry my strengths to this. I've learned more about my limitations in recent years, but at the same time, I have greater clarity over where my strength lies, and which areas I know for certain I can and will shine in.

I still have some unfinished business, which I hope to soon see the end of by the end of this year, even if I have to work overtime at it. I want to start the new year on a nice, good clean slate. With new ideas and directions, and work cut out for me to move towards it. This time, with greater certainty and understanding. Lessons I've learned this year had opened doors to me to experiences that I would never had, if I had never taken this step, however fraught with thorns it had been. Now it's a matter of sitting back and shaping them, and looking for ways to channel them, constructively. And to excel at it.

Am I a rough diamond? Yes, I am just mined from Earth's underbelly.