Sometimes, you just want to try something different with your life. But you realize that you need to clear up the clutter of previous life in order for you to move forward unhindered.
This is exactly where I am at. Last weekend, I had spent quite a bit of time clearing up the mess I call my room, throwing out things I could not bear to throw away in the past few years, rearranging the furniture (not exactly very conveniently placed at the moment, since the room will be going through renovation) and fixing things I had accidentally destroyed due to my bumbling ways.
This weekend is spent on some last minute work. So, further makeover have to be held up til the following week.
Anyway, it's running late now. So adios for now.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Monday, December 31, 2007
A world of its own
I got back from a great vacation in Bali last Saturday, which was more relaxing rather than active. It was unfortunate also that I fell sick for half of the time I was there, but nonetheless, it was a good place to recover my health. The day breaks early and the night falls quickly. Anyhow, combination of sleep deprivation during the travel period and the need for my body to recuperate saw me fast asleep for 14 hours on Saturday by 7 pm until the following day. Sunday was when I had to catch up on some old job and today is when I have to commence by current 'day' job.
Anyway, now that I am back, I have loads of work to catch up on. I will blog more about my trip later in the evening.
Happy New Year!
Anyway, now that I am back, I have loads of work to catch up on. I will blog more about my trip later in the evening.
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
It is just a week and a half to Christmas
And so little time, and so much to do. Keeping busy is good. Keeps one in perspective. Keeps on the positive vibe coming in, however downtrodden and battle-weary one might be at times.
And the great part is, I am beginning to read poetry again. I find myself in kindred spirit with poets at the moment. Great poets illustrate life's potholes and murkiness without that maudlin sensitivities.
I am beginning with Philip Larkin. Since I am going for a vacation in Christmas, I will be bringing with me some good, life-changing reading materials. An Indonesian and French poet or two might not be a bad idea, though I don't feel like lugging dictionaries around (and am too poor to afford the electronic version at the moment).
Too bad I couldn't go to the Ubud Literary festival but I still get to go to Ubud.
And the great part is, I am beginning to read poetry again. I find myself in kindred spirit with poets at the moment. Great poets illustrate life's potholes and murkiness without that maudlin sensitivities.
I am beginning with Philip Larkin. Since I am going for a vacation in Christmas, I will be bringing with me some good, life-changing reading materials. An Indonesian and French poet or two might not be a bad idea, though I don't feel like lugging dictionaries around (and am too poor to afford the electronic version at the moment).
Too bad I couldn't go to the Ubud Literary festival but I still get to go to Ubud.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Sometimes, it is good to give up something for awhile...
You are over obsessed with something and you want to find a quick resolution. How do I do that?
Sometimes, it is good to take a measured step back, and don't do anything about it (while learning not to over-procrastinate on that all too important decision) and see how things work out. Many a times, it is good to go back to the drawing board and see how it can be improved. If it cannot be improved further, and if it still doesn't work, then cut your losses and move on. Try something else. After all, genius is 99% perspiration (tears and blood). If you want an easy life, don't do anything remotely challenging, one that opens you to risks of failure and heartache.
Personally, there are times whereby I am tired of change. I am scared of it, particularly when I have no idea if I am going to fall into that big black hole and never come out again. I worry about my inability to take chances, or my ability to take the wrong risks, succumbing to further successions of failures. I worry that I will never find something to keep me happy and contented.
When I made a decision to change the direction of my life, five years ago, I took a chance at something risky. Really risky, with a strong chance of failure. Even my parents asked me if I wanted to do it. I said I did, impetuous lil naive me. At the same time, I was trying to look for other ways out, but not quite succeeding. While I might not be great in what I did before, I could still somehow survive it, intact. However difficult the task I was set to do back then, it was never as difficult as having to deal with a lot of the issues I had to deal with in the last five years. What if I want to go back to it now. Would I want to go back to it, to the way I used to like it? Or can I return to it, but in a modified form, using some of the skills I had obtained through much sweat and tears in the last five years. I do know, deep down in my heart, it was my first love, and I have a certain aptitude for it, a certain creativity even if technically, I was not strong.
Moreover, in the five years, I have given up the solace of religion, making an almost complete break but with still a tiny thread of unsevered umbilical cord that attaches me to it. While I still believe in its principles, my questioning of things that led to no answers had left me on a perpetual cliffhanger. In fact, much of what characterizes my life this year is the epitome of a cliffhanger. I am finding some time again to start re-examining my ideas and ideals and where I might have gone astray, reading and learning as much as I could.
So now, it remains to be seen how I can marry my strengths to this. I've learned more about my limitations in recent years, but at the same time, I have greater clarity over where my strength lies, and which areas I know for certain I can and will shine in.
I still have some unfinished business, which I hope to soon see the end of by the end of this year, even if I have to work overtime at it. I want to start the new year on a nice, good clean slate. With new ideas and directions, and work cut out for me to move towards it. This time, with greater certainty and understanding. Lessons I've learned this year had opened doors to me to experiences that I would never had, if I had never taken this step, however fraught with thorns it had been. Now it's a matter of sitting back and shaping them, and looking for ways to channel them, constructively. And to excel at it.
Am I a rough diamond? Yes, I am just mined from Earth's underbelly.
Sometimes, it is good to take a measured step back, and don't do anything about it (while learning not to over-procrastinate on that all too important decision) and see how things work out. Many a times, it is good to go back to the drawing board and see how it can be improved. If it cannot be improved further, and if it still doesn't work, then cut your losses and move on. Try something else. After all, genius is 99% perspiration (tears and blood). If you want an easy life, don't do anything remotely challenging, one that opens you to risks of failure and heartache.
Personally, there are times whereby I am tired of change. I am scared of it, particularly when I have no idea if I am going to fall into that big black hole and never come out again. I worry about my inability to take chances, or my ability to take the wrong risks, succumbing to further successions of failures. I worry that I will never find something to keep me happy and contented.
When I made a decision to change the direction of my life, five years ago, I took a chance at something risky. Really risky, with a strong chance of failure. Even my parents asked me if I wanted to do it. I said I did, impetuous lil naive me. At the same time, I was trying to look for other ways out, but not quite succeeding. While I might not be great in what I did before, I could still somehow survive it, intact. However difficult the task I was set to do back then, it was never as difficult as having to deal with a lot of the issues I had to deal with in the last five years. What if I want to go back to it now. Would I want to go back to it, to the way I used to like it? Or can I return to it, but in a modified form, using some of the skills I had obtained through much sweat and tears in the last five years. I do know, deep down in my heart, it was my first love, and I have a certain aptitude for it, a certain creativity even if technically, I was not strong.
Moreover, in the five years, I have given up the solace of religion, making an almost complete break but with still a tiny thread of unsevered umbilical cord that attaches me to it. While I still believe in its principles, my questioning of things that led to no answers had left me on a perpetual cliffhanger. In fact, much of what characterizes my life this year is the epitome of a cliffhanger. I am finding some time again to start re-examining my ideas and ideals and where I might have gone astray, reading and learning as much as I could.
So now, it remains to be seen how I can marry my strengths to this. I've learned more about my limitations in recent years, but at the same time, I have greater clarity over where my strength lies, and which areas I know for certain I can and will shine in.
I still have some unfinished business, which I hope to soon see the end of by the end of this year, even if I have to work overtime at it. I want to start the new year on a nice, good clean slate. With new ideas and directions, and work cut out for me to move towards it. This time, with greater certainty and understanding. Lessons I've learned this year had opened doors to me to experiences that I would never had, if I had never taken this step, however fraught with thorns it had been. Now it's a matter of sitting back and shaping them, and looking for ways to channel them, constructively. And to excel at it.
Am I a rough diamond? Yes, I am just mined from Earth's underbelly.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
research and the story of my life
Most people fail to appreciate how difficult and how many hours are required merely to dig up a lot of information that one needs to write about something, particularly when that thing is either out of your reach (highly expensive subscription database that would be hard on an individual's pocket, particularly an individual unaffiliated to any institution and is from a country with a relatively 'small' currency) and who is unfamiliar with the subject. Maybe that's why I've to really decide. If I really want to work with ideas, what kind of ideas do I want to work with? Who do I want to work with? And what kind of work do I want to do? Why do I want to do it?
It's no fun being jill-of-all-trades researcher. Firstly, you are bound to have to do something you have little interest in yet have to spend hours unearthing (made possibly frustrating when you don't know where's the best place to start). I do enjoy doing research, but mainly in areas of interest to me. And I am interested in working with ideas. So where should I be? In the academia? Anywhere else? Perhaps start my own enterprise?
Trying out a test for a research-related job application really got me thinking: do I really want to do this kind of stuff for the rest of my working days, yet not quite getting anywhere, as in getting into something that makes my going to work something of a bang (despite the unavoidable down days that had less to do with job frustration but more to do with unavoidable or unpredictable circumstances) instead a bummer. Life is too short to do just things for money while being miserable throughout your youth. However, not having enough money can also do that for you. So where can I be where I can have enough without the financial struggle while doing something that holds a meaning bigger than a 'job.' How do I seek an opportunity to do that? Well, that's where research as a skill comes in. While skills in commercial research pays well and can have a good demand once one becomes a pro at it, it does not have the same meaning as when one is demand for being good at something that fulfills.
So, it is certainly time for me, by early next year, to begin preparing myself for the one that will define my career goals, and to persevere by it despite the immense difficulties I might fall into, because the goal and objective is now clear. Should I not succeed by that, at least I will still have the skills that could be used elsewhere. Rather than always trying to have my feet in two boats and being all tensed, anxious and stressed out because of that. This might mean taking a pay-cut and a job that has little recognition in society, but I think that would pay out in the end. After all, I've tried a different and more 'sensible' way forward, trying to give up on my dreams for awhile and that had come close to disaster a few times. So I do know now, that by a strange quirk of personality, I am not someone who can take on a job with heavy responsibilities and which requires a high level of performance if I am not personally engaged by it.
It's no fun being jill-of-all-trades researcher. Firstly, you are bound to have to do something you have little interest in yet have to spend hours unearthing (made possibly frustrating when you don't know where's the best place to start). I do enjoy doing research, but mainly in areas of interest to me. And I am interested in working with ideas. So where should I be? In the academia? Anywhere else? Perhaps start my own enterprise?
Trying out a test for a research-related job application really got me thinking: do I really want to do this kind of stuff for the rest of my working days, yet not quite getting anywhere, as in getting into something that makes my going to work something of a bang (despite the unavoidable down days that had less to do with job frustration but more to do with unavoidable or unpredictable circumstances) instead a bummer. Life is too short to do just things for money while being miserable throughout your youth. However, not having enough money can also do that for you. So where can I be where I can have enough without the financial struggle while doing something that holds a meaning bigger than a 'job.' How do I seek an opportunity to do that? Well, that's where research as a skill comes in. While skills in commercial research pays well and can have a good demand once one becomes a pro at it, it does not have the same meaning as when one is demand for being good at something that fulfills.
So, it is certainly time for me, by early next year, to begin preparing myself for the one that will define my career goals, and to persevere by it despite the immense difficulties I might fall into, because the goal and objective is now clear. Should I not succeed by that, at least I will still have the skills that could be used elsewhere. Rather than always trying to have my feet in two boats and being all tensed, anxious and stressed out because of that. This might mean taking a pay-cut and a job that has little recognition in society, but I think that would pay out in the end. After all, I've tried a different and more 'sensible' way forward, trying to give up on my dreams for awhile and that had come close to disaster a few times. So I do know now, that by a strange quirk of personality, I am not someone who can take on a job with heavy responsibilities and which requires a high level of performance if I am not personally engaged by it.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Thinking (un)linearly
I think I once wrote about thinking in a straight line. Writing in a linear way while being clear is an ordinary skill. Writing non-linearly yet sounding logical and clear is an art. Not many postmodern theorists can be said to have succeeded in doing that.
How does one succeed in the latter? Should we take our cue from John Donne, the sixteenth century poet and sermonist who is a pro in the art of rhetoric, and a master of making sense while arguing in circles and repeating sentences twice, first in Latin and then in English.
I've been writing a proposal and a personal statement in the last few days, while also reading a modern European thinker who is none too linear in his thinking. But its a translated work, I am not sure who's the one who had not quite mastered the art of clarity. Nonetheless, the ideas proposed are no walk in a park.
I am a mistress (this sounds demeaning) of non-sequiturs.
Ever seen a fish, swimming leisurely in a tank behind you, jumping out of the water in a shock just as you were bending backwards and stretching out your hands to loosen those knotted muscles? Well that just happened to me two days ago. That fish sits behind the sofa in my friends' living room. They've kept it for a year. It's gone much bigger
I've been thinking about how much I know or do not know, and realized how shallow my knowledge really is. So much that I've read I did not quite understand, nor did I quite know.
So what should I do to remedy that? Spend less time writing and more time reading? Spend more time thinking so that the ideas will sink in? This fast-pace world does not value the person with idle time.
Today, I went to a library and saw a Malaysian history comic book called "Where the Monsoon Meet: the Malaysian people's history." It's published by some small NGO. Anyone who'd like refresher course in Malaysian history would do well to get a copy of it.
I actually meant to write something that makes some sense. I have so much ideas earlier today, but no means and time to put them down. Now I am too tired. Goodnight
How does one succeed in the latter? Should we take our cue from John Donne, the sixteenth century poet and sermonist who is a pro in the art of rhetoric, and a master of making sense while arguing in circles and repeating sentences twice, first in Latin and then in English.
I've been writing a proposal and a personal statement in the last few days, while also reading a modern European thinker who is none too linear in his thinking. But its a translated work, I am not sure who's the one who had not quite mastered the art of clarity. Nonetheless, the ideas proposed are no walk in a park.
I am a mistress (this sounds demeaning) of non-sequiturs.
Ever seen a fish, swimming leisurely in a tank behind you, jumping out of the water in a shock just as you were bending backwards and stretching out your hands to loosen those knotted muscles? Well that just happened to me two days ago. That fish sits behind the sofa in my friends' living room. They've kept it for a year. It's gone much bigger
I've been thinking about how much I know or do not know, and realized how shallow my knowledge really is. So much that I've read I did not quite understand, nor did I quite know.
So what should I do to remedy that? Spend less time writing and more time reading? Spend more time thinking so that the ideas will sink in? This fast-pace world does not value the person with idle time.
Today, I went to a library and saw a Malaysian history comic book called "Where the Monsoon Meet: the Malaysian people's history." It's published by some small NGO. Anyone who'd like refresher course in Malaysian history would do well to get a copy of it.
I actually meant to write something that makes some sense. I have so much ideas earlier today, but no means and time to put them down. Now I am too tired. Goodnight
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Is change in the offing in Malaysia
I can't quite tell. The last few weeks had been a hectic but rather exciting time in Malaysia. First, the BERSIH rally that called for a clean and transparent electoral process in view of the soon-to-come General Elections which is expected early next year, and then the HINDRAF event where thousands of Indians had a rally to state their support for the lawsuit against the British Government. News were heard and seen from all sides of the media. With regard to the HINDRAF event, I already knew about it weeks in advance because a friend had shown me an sms he received calling for all Indians to show their support for this lawsuit and the rally.
I am rather busy working on something, but rest assure that I will be keeping my eyes peeled on all the goings on. And I have a gut feeling that the coming GE will be really exciting. However, I believe change is only possible if people are really angry enough to want that. What do the grassroots really think or feel?
I am rather busy working on something, but rest assure that I will be keeping my eyes peeled on all the goings on. And I have a gut feeling that the coming GE will be really exciting. However, I believe change is only possible if people are really angry enough to want that. What do the grassroots really think or feel?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Busy times ahead
Now is time to look into the overdue proposals and the kind of work which I had been longing to do for such a long time. I supposed being unemployed has its perks, even though it does also mean, living a poor student life. But at least I've recovered more or less from a highly stressful period.
Will be back with more post later. Currently at the library, reading Mario Perniola "the sex appeal of the inorganic."
Will be back with more post later. Currently at the library, reading Mario Perniola "the sex appeal of the inorganic."
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Astrological prediction
This came by way of my email just because I decided to sign up for its newsletter, one smoggy evening.
Coincidental or what? Been having lots of shocks and surprises of late. Ok maybe not that many, but I am sure there will be more to come.
__________________________________________________________________
Shocks and surprises are suddenly the rule rather than the exception. Uranus at 15 degrees Pisces ends its five-month retrograde cycle at 2:16AM PST and begins direct motion until June 26, 2008 when it will once again stop at 23 degrees of Pisces. All Uranus themes - revolution and radical change, eccentricity and improvisation, lightning-like flashes and genius, shock waves, topsy-turvy conditions, aviation, the multi-media, computers and high technology, astrology and occult science, electricity, the nervous system, instability and uncertainty, rebellion, radioactivity and Uranium - are activated today and over the next couple of days. Your best bet is to expect the unexpected throughout the day. Be aware that the Moon enters Gemini (3:30AM PST) after a long void lunar cycle. The lunar entry into the third sign of the zodiac is followed by a Full Moon (6:31AM PST) that energizes 2 degrees of Sagittarius and Gemini. This is the climax of the monthly solar-lunar cycle and represents a unique opportunity to receive divine illumination. Meditate for peace of mind and send out your healing thoughts to humanity in need of upliftment. Think more about your higher destiny on Planet Earth than fulfilling personal needs. Brace yourself for a time-period of potential chaos and confusion since a Sun-Vesta frictional 45-degree link (9:47AM PST) occurs only 4 minutes before Mercury in Scorpio squares Neptune in Aquarius (9:51AM PST). Ouch! These two testy alignments can send you to the back of the class if you jump to conclusions without all the facts. Realize that your judgment could be faulty and it may be helpful to back off from financial commitments that will strain your budget. Reading, writing and research are promoted this evening when Mercury makes a mentally-stimulating 72-degree tie to Saturn (7:11PM PST) while the Sun squares Pallas (8:38PM PST).
Coincidental or what? Been having lots of shocks and surprises of late. Ok maybe not that many, but I am sure there will be more to come.
__________________________________________________________________
Shocks and surprises are suddenly the rule rather than the exception. Uranus at 15 degrees Pisces ends its five-month retrograde cycle at 2:16AM PST and begins direct motion until June 26, 2008 when it will once again stop at 23 degrees of Pisces. All Uranus themes - revolution and radical change, eccentricity and improvisation, lightning-like flashes and genius, shock waves, topsy-turvy conditions, aviation, the multi-media, computers and high technology, astrology and occult science, electricity, the nervous system, instability and uncertainty, rebellion, radioactivity and Uranium - are activated today and over the next couple of days. Your best bet is to expect the unexpected throughout the day. Be aware that the Moon enters Gemini (3:30AM PST) after a long void lunar cycle. The lunar entry into the third sign of the zodiac is followed by a Full Moon (6:31AM PST) that energizes 2 degrees of Sagittarius and Gemini. This is the climax of the monthly solar-lunar cycle and represents a unique opportunity to receive divine illumination. Meditate for peace of mind and send out your healing thoughts to humanity in need of upliftment. Think more about your higher destiny on Planet Earth than fulfilling personal needs. Brace yourself for a time-period of potential chaos and confusion since a Sun-Vesta frictional 45-degree link (9:47AM PST) occurs only 4 minutes before Mercury in Scorpio squares Neptune in Aquarius (9:51AM PST). Ouch! These two testy alignments can send you to the back of the class if you jump to conclusions without all the facts. Realize that your judgment could be faulty and it may be helpful to back off from financial commitments that will strain your budget. Reading, writing and research are promoted this evening when Mercury makes a mentally-stimulating 72-degree tie to Saturn (7:11PM PST) while the Sun squares Pallas (8:38PM PST).
Friday, November 23, 2007
A new start
It has been a long year for me. I have learned more about myself in this 11 months than I had in the past year. At the same time, I have learned more about myself in the last 4 years than I had for many years before that. I am closer to knowing my interest, my capabilities, my weaknesses, my strengths . I have also come to understand people more than before. Sometimes I am slow, sometimes I am quick. But I am now going to begin a new chapter in my life. Starting something new is always the hardest. There is a sense of bereavement for things past and gone. For things that could have been, but did not happen. I will update my blog more regularly and start writing here about things of interest to me. I have learned a lot in the past year and am ready to put that knowledge to good use. I am older and wiser, yet have so much more to learn.
Belated Happy Thanksgiving. I should start thanking the One up that for all the good that I have had, even though I did not quite see it that way at first. I believe that it is the start of better things to come, and I can now move on, learn from past mistakes, yet put the past firmly behind me. Difficult yet worthwhile. Advice from different people echoes in my mind, and I will keep those advice as a firm and constant reminder.
I will now move towards doing things that make me happy, make the world better, and make me a better person than I am now.
XXX
Clarissa
Belated Happy Thanksgiving. I should start thanking the One up that for all the good that I have had, even though I did not quite see it that way at first. I believe that it is the start of better things to come, and I can now move on, learn from past mistakes, yet put the past firmly behind me. Difficult yet worthwhile. Advice from different people echoes in my mind, and I will keep those advice as a firm and constant reminder.
I will now move towards doing things that make me happy, make the world better, and make me a better person than I am now.
XXX
Clarissa
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Really Writingy
You know, I've really not been doing any real writing in a long while. I mean as in writing for pleasure, for myself, creatively and to channel my thoughts and analysis through think pieces.
I've been lying low for a long while, away from the creative constellation of the city I am living in. Teaching takes up too much time, as do a sundry of other projects.
My resolution beginning this week, meaning from Wed on, is to read a chapter of a novel a day or a poem or two. After all, as a freelancer, I am a master of my time so should stop complaining about being too busy. Started a little on Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons but never completed it as I got distracted with reading other stuff. Mostly academic stuff or political stuff.
Now I need to grow my creative vibes
Hell, I'm growing older, so if there's no time now, there never will be
So from tomorrow onwards, I'll try to post, as regularly as I can, what I'm reading for the moment, and my thoughts on what I read
And if you haven't watched this movie Goya's Ghosts, I suggest doing so now. Sterling performances and the unfiltered history of Europe, filth and all.
And of course, there's Goya, that schizophrenic painter of realism (even though he wasn't from the school of realist painters, as his paintings were more in the fashion of the old masters such as Leonardo, Raphael, and some Dutch artists)
I've been lying low for a long while, away from the creative constellation of the city I am living in. Teaching takes up too much time, as do a sundry of other projects.
My resolution beginning this week, meaning from Wed on, is to read a chapter of a novel a day or a poem or two. After all, as a freelancer, I am a master of my time so should stop complaining about being too busy. Started a little on Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons but never completed it as I got distracted with reading other stuff. Mostly academic stuff or political stuff.
Now I need to grow my creative vibes
Hell, I'm growing older, so if there's no time now, there never will be
So from tomorrow onwards, I'll try to post, as regularly as I can, what I'm reading for the moment, and my thoughts on what I read
And if you haven't watched this movie Goya's Ghosts, I suggest doing so now. Sterling performances and the unfiltered history of Europe, filth and all.
And of course, there's Goya, that schizophrenic painter of realism (even though he wasn't from the school of realist painters, as his paintings were more in the fashion of the old masters such as Leonardo, Raphael, and some Dutch artists)
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Situation in Burma remains dire
Protests around the world may only make the Burmese military junta aware that they are being watched, but as long as their two closest ally in the world, especially China, remain silent on this issue and continue diplomatic ties with the Burmese junta, status quo may prevail.
Maybe what we need is a group of all-star, politically conscious athletes that would pressure their government to boycott the Chinese Olympic games. This might make China pay attention.
China itself is as bad as Burma, if not worse, in its human rights violation record. And since it's a communist state, there is no religious reservation to hold it back.
To get more updates on Burma, tune in to the BBC.
Maybe what we need is a group of all-star, politically conscious athletes that would pressure their government to boycott the Chinese Olympic games. This might make China pay attention.
China itself is as bad as Burma, if not worse, in its human rights violation record. And since it's a communist state, there is no religious reservation to hold it back.
To get more updates on Burma, tune in to the BBC.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Stating my support for the Burmese people
Due to extreme fatigue yesterday, I was not able to drag myself to KLCC for the mass protest. But what I want to state here is that I have burned incense in show of my support for the amelioration of the plight of the Burmese, who are merely two neighbourhoods away from Malaysia. And I am openly stating in this site that I believe that justice has to prevail for these people
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
A thought for the day
Yesterday, I found myself barely working. Or working slowly, taking the time to digest through all that I have to do as I go through the comments of the first draft of my manuscript, and restructuring the way the narrative is being handled. It's a really painstaking process but well worth the effort as it will keep me from repeating the mistakes of the first draft. The story telling part is simple, just my knack for complicating things. I think I should get the structure out by the end of the week. Have French exams this Thurs, and then a teaching job to go to on Friday, but otherwise, I have freed myself from other stuff to concentrate on the manuscript.
I told myself that I will do the best that I can for this new year, never taking anything or anyone for granted and always putting my best foot forward. I also told myself to be more forgiving of the folly of others and to be more circumspect in my dealing with people. Much that has happened this year included my getting to know the not-so-good side of the people whom I thought I could trust, as well as lots of misunderstanding.
People have many faces, and you never get to see all the faces until you step on their toe, or on their turf. Or when shit hits the fan.
It is early in the morning, so I think I'll wrap up my work for this evening. Had my laptop on working mode since evening, working everywhere, from my room to my friend's room to the living room.
So I think it's time to sleep and have an early start. I am beginning to feel more optimistic about this project that I am doing now that I am structuring it out carefully.
It's October now so no more time to waste.
bon nuit
I told myself that I will do the best that I can for this new year, never taking anything or anyone for granted and always putting my best foot forward. I also told myself to be more forgiving of the folly of others and to be more circumspect in my dealing with people. Much that has happened this year included my getting to know the not-so-good side of the people whom I thought I could trust, as well as lots of misunderstanding.
People have many faces, and you never get to see all the faces until you step on their toe, or on their turf. Or when shit hits the fan.
It is early in the morning, so I think I'll wrap up my work for this evening. Had my laptop on working mode since evening, working everywhere, from my room to my friend's room to the living room.
So I think it's time to sleep and have an early start. I am beginning to feel more optimistic about this project that I am doing now that I am structuring it out carefully.
It's October now so no more time to waste.
bon nuit
Monday, October 01, 2007
A new year for myself
As I am writing this in the wee hours of Monday morning, Oct 1, Saturday Sept 29 saw the close of a long drawn-out year for me, one riddled with confusion, chaos, altercations and negative vibes. Everything felt wrong on that day, and only came out right in the evening. It felt like an extended session on a therapist couch.
But I went to this little shop in town that sells Tibetan arts and crafts, and bought myself some incense sticks and a mantra card. The day after was supposed to be my b-day, and it was time to throw out all that is bad, to cleanse the inner energy and begin life a new. Whatever problems that follows me into this new year are to be tackled with renewed zest and and a positive outlook. Better discipline shall shape my life, as I would also now begin to draw boundaries between my professional life and personal life, knowing when to start my day and when to end it, but being flexible enough to enjoy the perks of a freelancer, which is the choice to plan my day and attend events, should I decide to do so. It is because of that that I am still awake at 1:44 am, when I would be asleep if I had a job to go to in the morning.
What I need to do in this new year is to have a better understanding of myself and of the other people, doing that which is right and doable. I will also start having a proper schedule for my work and my other activities, and thus have more time for my personal interests, as well as for friends and loved ones. I need to learn to manage stress better, to not get upset too easily about things and find greater equilibrium between the personal, the professional and other interests.
More importantly, I should start updating this blog more regularly. I have neglected it for so long as I had allowed my life to spiral out of control. I will use this blog as a way of getting a better grip of things, and to begin voicing my opinions on matters of interest to me, as well as chronicling my daily activities. A way to take stock of myself, to go for what I want while knowing my limitations and knowing when to let go.
As for this week, I have a manuscript to revise and research, and French test to study for. And some readings to do.
Bon nuit!
But I went to this little shop in town that sells Tibetan arts and crafts, and bought myself some incense sticks and a mantra card. The day after was supposed to be my b-day, and it was time to throw out all that is bad, to cleanse the inner energy and begin life a new. Whatever problems that follows me into this new year are to be tackled with renewed zest and and a positive outlook. Better discipline shall shape my life, as I would also now begin to draw boundaries between my professional life and personal life, knowing when to start my day and when to end it, but being flexible enough to enjoy the perks of a freelancer, which is the choice to plan my day and attend events, should I decide to do so. It is because of that that I am still awake at 1:44 am, when I would be asleep if I had a job to go to in the morning.
What I need to do in this new year is to have a better understanding of myself and of the other people, doing that which is right and doable. I will also start having a proper schedule for my work and my other activities, and thus have more time for my personal interests, as well as for friends and loved ones. I need to learn to manage stress better, to not get upset too easily about things and find greater equilibrium between the personal, the professional and other interests.
More importantly, I should start updating this blog more regularly. I have neglected it for so long as I had allowed my life to spiral out of control. I will use this blog as a way of getting a better grip of things, and to begin voicing my opinions on matters of interest to me, as well as chronicling my daily activities. A way to take stock of myself, to go for what I want while knowing my limitations and knowing when to let go.
As for this week, I have a manuscript to revise and research, and French test to study for. And some readings to do.
Bon nuit!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Twisted
I often wonder why I can't make myself enjoy the simpler things in life:
1) friendships
2) warmth
3) kindnesss
4) love
and why do i choose to complicate it with so many things.
The life I wished for in childhood is not here yet.
I remember reading stories with longing for that close-knitted friendships shared by others which I always seem to have problems obtaining
And being told that one lacks the warmth of a woman doesn't help matters either, whatever that means
I am supposed to be working now, and I will return to that soon
I am restless, I am bored, I feel suffocated, I need to move on
I can't seem to enjoy life the way normal people can
Is something the matter with me?
1) friendships
2) warmth
3) kindnesss
4) love
and why do i choose to complicate it with so many things.
The life I wished for in childhood is not here yet.
I remember reading stories with longing for that close-knitted friendships shared by others which I always seem to have problems obtaining
And being told that one lacks the warmth of a woman doesn't help matters either, whatever that means
I am supposed to be working now, and I will return to that soon
I am restless, I am bored, I feel suffocated, I need to move on
I can't seem to enjoy life the way normal people can
Is something the matter with me?
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Education
I am thinking of going back to education...as a student.
I have been teaching for the past semester and a half, it will be coming to an end soon, as will another project I am working on, once I can get enough information to work on for the latter.
IN fact, I am in the process of registering as a student, ironically spurred by the thought that this will allow me to find some funding for my research and thus rid myself the further need to have to juggle work and scholarly research at the same time (the former had been the bane of the latter).
I was really 'brain-drained' (no relation to the actual brain drain problem my country is facing) the past two days, I think due to my inability to sleep long enough before waking up and the waking hours spent on squeezing my brain muscles (not that there is much effort needed in the process) on a myriad of things.
I am not too happy with the way things are going at the moment but I hope for improvement.
Too busy to think about how to sort everything out. I think that I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew, literally and figuratively.
Here I am, sitting in front of my notebook blogging when I have other things commanding my attention.
bugger
Clarissa
I have been teaching for the past semester and a half, it will be coming to an end soon, as will another project I am working on, once I can get enough information to work on for the latter.
IN fact, I am in the process of registering as a student, ironically spurred by the thought that this will allow me to find some funding for my research and thus rid myself the further need to have to juggle work and scholarly research at the same time (the former had been the bane of the latter).
I was really 'brain-drained' (no relation to the actual brain drain problem my country is facing) the past two days, I think due to my inability to sleep long enough before waking up and the waking hours spent on squeezing my brain muscles (not that there is much effort needed in the process) on a myriad of things.
I am not too happy with the way things are going at the moment but I hope for improvement.
Too busy to think about how to sort everything out. I think that I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew, literally and figuratively.
Here I am, sitting in front of my notebook blogging when I have other things commanding my attention.
bugger
Clarissa
Monday, July 23, 2007
Can your art define your personality?
One day, I would really like to devote some time to explore this issue.
Anyhow, in the case of Frida Kahlo, I think it's mostly true
Check out my friend's Sharanya's blog-tribute to her at
http://invokingfrida.blogspot.com/
I equate her art with Virgnia Woolf's art of novel-writing.
And I am a sucker for Virgnia Woolf, amongst many other novelist, but I was considered her avant garde, at the same league as James Joyce.
And greater than most British male novelists.
Anyhow, in the case of Frida Kahlo, I think it's mostly true
Check out my friend's Sharanya's blog-tribute to her at
http://invokingfrida.blogspot.com/
I equate her art with Virgnia Woolf's art of novel-writing.
And I am a sucker for Virgnia Woolf, amongst many other novelist, but I was considered her avant garde, at the same league as James Joyce.
And greater than most British male novelists.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
When he's just not that into you
Yesterday, after a movie with some friends, one of them passed me a book which I was rather intrigued by since I first saw it at a designer bookshop. The title is as given at the top of the blog, written by a staff writer and consultant of the hit tv series, Sex and the City.
I was supposed to start working when I got home, but ended up spending my time reading portions of the book. And I have to recommend it to each and every woman who thinks she's intelligent and has it all figured out, but crumbles at the sight of men (or in her dealings with men)
I can't say I went through the same agonies that many of the women did, not because I am lucky in anyway, just that I have a more black and white perception of things when it comes to many matters, including emotional matters (not that I haven't have agonies, of course I do, who am I kidding!). I may try guessing and reading signals to see if someone likes me (though I have to confess that I am pretty crap at it) but I have never obsessed over details (if I did, I was then a teenager figuring out boys) or sit by the phone and wait for phone calls from would-be suitors. There's too much to do in life, really, that I wish I have more time.
I supposed having had more male than female friends for a long time has kinda taken the mystique of men from me, and I do know exactly how most of them think, even if I don't always agree with that thinking. And I sometimes wish they don't have that kind of thinking. And of course, having too many male buddies can put a dent to your dating life. It's like, I don't enjoy dating all that much I am always communicating with a man already, so it would take someone EXCEPTIONAL and DIFFERENT to capture AND hold my attention for the longer term. But I still like mingling and talking to them, purely for the intellectual exercise.
I was ever only foolish enough about waiting for phone calls from someone I am in a relationship with, but I think I have kinda put that habit out. If he calls, he calls, if he doesn't, his problem.
If he's not into me, there will always be someone else who is (as long as he's not abusive, a creep or an obsessive).
So, if a guy likes you, he likes you. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Don't bother asking for explanation. They wouldn't know how to explain it, and even the most logical explanation always has an element of mystique that is not possible to deconstruct. Forget about enumerating your plus points, or about how well the two of you hit it off. Chances are, if he was interested, he would have showed you in no uncertain terms.
If he doesn't, you can cry a bucketful of tears or threaten to slash your wrist, and he wouldn't like you more. In fact, he probably would distance himself from you.
After reading this book, it kinda make sense what some of my male friends have been telling me subtly about their relationships with women (and men, if they are gay).
Check out http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/068987474X
I was supposed to start working when I got home, but ended up spending my time reading portions of the book. And I have to recommend it to each and every woman who thinks she's intelligent and has it all figured out, but crumbles at the sight of men (or in her dealings with men)
I can't say I went through the same agonies that many of the women did, not because I am lucky in anyway, just that I have a more black and white perception of things when it comes to many matters, including emotional matters (not that I haven't have agonies, of course I do, who am I kidding!). I may try guessing and reading signals to see if someone likes me (though I have to confess that I am pretty crap at it) but I have never obsessed over details (if I did, I was then a teenager figuring out boys) or sit by the phone and wait for phone calls from would-be suitors. There's too much to do in life, really, that I wish I have more time.
I supposed having had more male than female friends for a long time has kinda taken the mystique of men from me, and I do know exactly how most of them think, even if I don't always agree with that thinking. And I sometimes wish they don't have that kind of thinking. And of course, having too many male buddies can put a dent to your dating life. It's like, I don't enjoy dating all that much I am always communicating with a man already, so it would take someone EXCEPTIONAL and DIFFERENT to capture AND hold my attention for the longer term. But I still like mingling and talking to them, purely for the intellectual exercise.
I was ever only foolish enough about waiting for phone calls from someone I am in a relationship with, but I think I have kinda put that habit out. If he calls, he calls, if he doesn't, his problem.
If he's not into me, there will always be someone else who is (as long as he's not abusive, a creep or an obsessive).
So, if a guy likes you, he likes you. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Don't bother asking for explanation. They wouldn't know how to explain it, and even the most logical explanation always has an element of mystique that is not possible to deconstruct. Forget about enumerating your plus points, or about how well the two of you hit it off. Chances are, if he was interested, he would have showed you in no uncertain terms.
If he doesn't, you can cry a bucketful of tears or threaten to slash your wrist, and he wouldn't like you more. In fact, he probably would distance himself from you.
After reading this book, it kinda make sense what some of my male friends have been telling me subtly about their relationships with women (and men, if they are gay).
Check out http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/068987474X
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Detention of Blogger in Malaysia
I think I met the said detainee, Nathaniel Tan, via a friend last year, though it was only briefly as I was under medication and was getting drowsy. Now it seems he has been detained over alleged documents supposedly classified under OSA, though I don't see why documents that may prove the corruption of a politician be under OSA. If the documents were fake, they could just sue him for defamation. Damn Malaysian (UMNO) politics (ok maybe I'll be the next to haul up for that statement).
Anyway, if you feel strongly on this issue, kindly proceed to http://www.cijmalaysia.org/display_story.asp?id=517 for a letter template to write to parties involved or go http://jelas.info/ for more information (though it's pretty hard to read the words on the latter blog.
Anyway, if you feel strongly on this issue, kindly proceed to http://www.cijmalaysia.org/display_story.asp?id=517 for a letter template to write to parties involved or go http://jelas.info/ for more information (though it's pretty hard to read the words on the latter blog.
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